Dialogue with Shilpa and Vijay

I met Shilpa* and Vijay* for the first time and we hit it off like old friends. My first interview was a spontaneous one and without an interview script, it was more like a dialogue. I must admit, I learnt a lot and hope to do justice to all that I was able to catch during our conversation.

Their Story
Vijay and Shilpa came to Sydney 17 years ago with their two sons, then 4 and 7 years of age. Having lived in Germany for a couple of years, they never really wanted to settle in a foreign country. Some of their friends who were already living in Sydney insisted that they try it out here. And that they could always return back to India if they chose to.

Unlike the situation now, where almost everybody in India you know has somebody abroad, and in some cases, it is the parents who insist that their kids go to a foreign country, their situation was different. Vijay being the "only-son" of his parents, they never imagined he would leave the country! Vijay, working in Mumbai in a sales role, said he did not remember when and how his younger one turned two! Long commute and working over the weekends and travel was taking its toll! Two incidents that he mentioned were when he wanted to get admission for his elder son in a prestigious school and they rejected their application on no grounds and secondly, for minor things like a swimming pool membership, there was a wait of couple of years at least! Incidents such as these led them to believe that maybe they should in fact take the opportunity to go and live in Australia.. For a few years after coming here, they thought they would go back. But as your kids start growing up, going back to India become challenging. And then as they say, rest is history

After all these years of living out of the country, I was truly amazed to hear that the boys look forward to going to India. And not just that, they are even eager to go there during certain festivals like the Kite festival that is celebrated in Gujarat- where their grandparents lived! But what about the pollution and the mosquitoes and other complaints that sometimes even yours truly has? Hmm...Shilpa revealed the secret- Not once did they criticize or point out the drawbacks of their motherland in front of their children. "Use as much odomas as you want or wear full pants or whatever, but this is how this place is and you will get used to it!" she said and I am sure meant it too :) It worked! Vijay added that when as little kids, the boys spoke to him in English, he would not respond. He told them he did not understand English and when the kids said that he did, Vijay asked them to speak to him in Indian English, a task impossible for Aussie accented kids:) So, here we have two boys who may speak to each other in English but speak with their parents in their mother tongue-Marathi. Culture goes beyond language and having met the boys in person, I must admit that Vijay and Shilpa have done a great job of raising good kids!

I asked them about their parents back home. Vijay admitted that till date this topic bothers him and poses a big dilemma. Having chosen to stay away from India for a wonderful lifestyle and great work-life balance, he has had to sacrifice being around his ageing parents. He feels sad that today, in spite of all he has achieved, he cannot even make one cup of tea for his mom and dad! His work takes him to India about 3-4 times in a year and he makes it a point to visit them each time, even for a day or two. His sisters stay close by and this is a big relief!


Been there..done that- Their advice

Do's

a) Language-Speak to your kids in your native language and encourage them to use the language too. However, bend this rule a bit if needed as you don't want to shut the communication lines if they are not in your preferred language!

b) Culture- When kids are young, enroll them in some class of Indian musical instruments. Not only will the child gain an invaluable skill, it will give them a wonderful introduction to an art from India.

c) Connection - Vijay and Shilpa made it a point to make that trip to India every two years even when the kids were grown up. In order to do so, they had to sacrifice visiting new places in Australia or anywhere else in the world! Today their sons are attached to India and also share a great relationship with their cousins and family back in India.

Don'ts

a) Don't enforce 'Indianness'- So you want your kids to develop that special connection with India...that does not mean you enforce 'indian-ness' on them. Remember the old adage of every coin having two sides. Vijay and Shilpa said that since we have been fortunate to see and live two different cultures, we should try and take best of both worlds.

b) Don't set too many rules for yourself when raising kids- Shilpa says listen to your kids more and think less about how you want them to be! Setting too many rules about how you want them to be may just lead to some disappointments!

Lessons learnt...from my perspective

a) Work-life balance- One of the reasons Vijay mentioned of leaving India in the first place was his belief that work in Australia may offer a better life- a good work-life balance.

As a kid, I remember my dad coming home late most days as he had a good 5 hours commute. Although I must admit remembering him finding time to give me my first painting lesson at 11:30pm !

As a parent, I see both, Harshal and I, spending most evenings with Arya and playing with her. I hope she too, like Vijay's son, remembers 'Daddy, this is the park we used to go to play when I was a kid'.

b)Perhaps the most important lesson I learnt was that it is ok to feel "Separated" and that it does not mean you are unhappy in life! It was quite strange to hear both Shilpa and Vijay say that on the ethic self-identification spectrum, they would classify themselves as "Separated". I would have assumed people would be hesitant to say so, and probably would take pride in saying they are "integrated" or even "assimilated"! They said, if their kids decide to leave Australia and perhaps go settle in USA, they would certainly go back to India. But if their kids stay in Australia, they would probably stay back! First generation migrants have a very difficult time and challenging role.

c) Vijay and Shilpa both said that friends in Aussie are like second-family but time has created a distance between their friends back in India. It is but natural that people who you celebrate special occasions with and who are with you on all festivals and holidays become just like your family! In a short period of five years, I must also admit have started losing touch of some of my friends who are in India. But thanks to social-networking sites, I no longer rely on that one email from them for updates. I hope to maintain those special bonds in spite of the distance and with quick scraps now and then!


At this point, I must probably mention that Vijay's is also a professional success story! The family had to struggle to get to where they are today and having survived some bad jobs early on, they feel blessed to be in a position they are now. However, in Vijay's definition of success, being a good father and a good husband supersedes professional success.

I believe they certainly have their priorities straight -a wonderful happy couple who is blessed with two good boys! I wish them the very best for the future!

*Only the names have been changed. All places and incidents are real.

Interview questionnaire

[A] Background information

Name (s) and lived in ____(country) since ___(yyyy)
Kids and ages and occupation
Your parents
Reasons for migrating

[B] Topics I would like to cover include the following. Any interesting stories, anecdotes or advice on each of these would be really appreciated.

1. Raising kids - Challenges and Accomplishments while raising kids, Their relationship with grand-parents, Connection with India, language and culture etc

2. Your Parents - Coping with the physical distance, ageing

3. Your friends - old and new

4. Ethnic self-identification and your plans to return to India

5. Your advice to first generation migrants who have just begun their journey. List of Do's and Don'ts (at least 3 of each would be great)

[C] Is there something I have forgotten to ask and what is your answer for that?

[D] Do you wish to remain anonymous or can I acknowledge you in my blog/ebook? Can I include a picture of your family?

[F] Contact Information
Phone, email and snail-mail

Happy New Year!

Wishing all a very happy new year! May this year bring you joy and fulfill all your dreams:)

I had my first informal interview with a wonderful migrant couple and will share it on the blog soon:) Meanwhile, I will leave you with an interesting quote by Albert Einstein "The only source of knowledge is experience!"